Beavers: 'Agents of Destruction'

Beaver - Barrie Today.jpg

According to the New York Times, beavers are "agents of destruction," migrating north beyond the treeline and exacerbating the effects of climate change in the Arctic (not this week, mind you, when North America is suffering under the worst cold snap in memory, but during the balmy summer months). It is true that beavers are also being reintroduced into Britain, where they are said to mitigate flooding and regenerate woodlands. But though the British beavers look much like the Castor canadiensis, they are genetically distinct. Sadly, under the terms of the Paris accord, there can be no quid pro quo, no beaver cap-and-trade schemes, no voluntary beaver offsets.

Nickel - wiki.jpg

Plainly, the Government of Canada must act. The prime minister must issue a full-throated apology, preferably at the U.N., following which we must move without delay to decommission the beaver as a national symbol. All Canadian nickels in circulation must be smelted forthwith. All the sentimental twaddle in our public-school history books about the beaver's role in nation-building, etc., must be expunged, preferably under the guidance of the ETFO.